Grace in Disguise: Reaching Out

I lay by his side,

Hear his heart beat fading.

I’m going to lose him soon

The Doctor says,

“You've got 10 seconds to live”

And my heart he’s taking.

5 seconds pass and all I do is cry.

He can only hear the sounds I’m making.

I turn to him

And tell him the 3 words I long to hear back,

“I love you.”

But when he turns to say

8 seconds had gone astray

And I can feel him dying.

My head is on his heart

His hand on my arm

And as the last 2 seconds pass

He says,

“I love you too.”

I turn to him, tears in my eyes

Only to see the light in his die.

The nurse helps me up

I’m struggling on not fainting.

He’s gone forever,

And with him I’ll always be.

I could barely see as the water washed up and over me in a flash flood warning. Crashing into the sides of my skull, flowing through the crevices of my brain and splashing against my nerves, it filtered throughout my mind. I had yet to believe it. I couldn't believe it. Death had fallen at my feet. Love knelt helplessly before me asking for forgiveness, but I gave it none. I had none to give. My heart ached as it fell deeper into the cave of my body.

Thump thump.

Bump bump.

Up and down, up and down.

I tried to stop it. I couldn't stop it.

Thump thump.

Bump bump.

Up and down, up and down.

Sitting back, I hit my head against the wall. My eyes stared straight forward, staring into nothing. What was there left to see? Nothing. I couldn't understand, had yet to understand. The beeps, the buzzes, the yelling, the screaming and the crying- most of it my own.

“Stop!” I had yelled, but no one would listen to me. Why wouldn't they listen to me? Because I had nothing to say that they wanted to hear.

“No!” I hollered, trying to push my way through. “No, no, no!” 

But who was I to decide his fate? Who was I to make decisions for him? He had already decided. He had already made his choice. He had already said goodbye without actually saying it.

I remember as he squeezed my hand a little too tightly. I remember how he smiled a little too sadly and said, “Thank you.”

I shook my head. “No, J. Don’t give up on me.” He squeezed again. But I didn't acknowledge it. I didn't see the signs.

“I love you, P.” He smiled as he said this and it took all argumentativeness out of me. But now all I wanted to do was yell at him, scream at him, hit him and shake him. Why? Why would he do this to me? Instead, why would he do this to himself?

They pushed me aside as if I was nothing. They pushed me back into a chair and told me to ‘sit’ like I was a dog that needed obedience training. Perhaps I did. If not, then I would have seen the signs. Oh, but why hadn't I seen the signs before?

Panic and angry waves of disdain flowed through my veins. My body was numb; my head was heavy. My eyes hurt and my mouth couldn't open wide enough for me to yell loud enough to get through his thick skull that what he was doing didn't need to be done yet. Why did it need to be done now? We had so much time left. We had had so much time.

Everyone calls me P. My full name is of no concern anymore; it is broken. It is broken like my crying heart. The light in his eyes is now gone. His hands are so cold. His eyes, the tick tick tick of his heart as it slowed down, they can’t go yet! I expected his eyes to pop open. I expected his heart to speed up with the force and will to live. I expected his breathing to start again.

“Can’t you intubate him?” I yelled. “Do your job! You’re letting him die!”

They grabbed my arm and asked me to leave. They told me they were doing the best they could, but they weren't! What were they doing in there? All I could see was his arm hanging off the bed. The oxygen was cranked and the hissing scared me. There was no defibrillator. There was no ventilator. They didn't start compressions. At least, I didn't see any of that through the rainfall in front of my eyes.

I stood up and shoved the nurse that was talking to me out of the way.

“Do you even know what you are doing?” I condescended. “I've seen TV shows more realistic than you people! Fix him!”

Tears welled up in the nurse’s eyes as her hand fell from my arm. “We've tried everything, ma’am,” she whispered.

“You've tried nothing! I've seen you try nothing!”

She put a hand to my face to try and console me but I shook it off. I didn't want her. I wanted him.

“We have tried everything,” she repeated sadly.

 “Isn't there another way?” I cried, trying to get around her.

“Ma’am, we did everything we could.”

I stopped short. I quit struggling. I looked at her and bit my lip to keep it from shaking. My breathing quickened. I began to grow silently angry.

“You say that like you've given up,” I snapped.

The nurse bowed her head. “No, we didn't give up. We tried for over an hour to resuscitate him. He’s not coming back. I’m sorry.”

I couldn't control myself. I was shaking so much I had to sit down. This was it? This was the end? This was how he was going to go?

Everything was a whirlwind; I could barely remember my name as I slid down the wall and onto the floor in a heap of bones. The fluid filled sac that is my mind bobbed up and down, up and down. It is deflated and squished, soaking in the remnants of coffee and faux flowers. The people around me pace back and forth, their heels tip-tap-tapping on the marble floor, their hands clasped behind their back. I watch the white tile. 

1, 2, 3, 4. Turn. Do it again. 1, 2, 3, 4.

“Something terrible has happened,” I whispered to myself over and over.

Everything that I had ever known had been whisked from underneath me like a rug beneath my feet. My vision was cloudy; people hurried around me, but the sounds were all the same. I could feel hands touching my shoulders, coaxing me to eat, drink, and stand. They hugged me and pulled me into their arms, but I felt none of it. I could only stare blankly, thinking, “What do I do next?”

My heart, my soul, my everything lay back within that cold, white room. Nothing seemed like it would get better. Could it ever?

My head dropped to my knees. What was there left for me to do? I was forsaken.

A blinding light from across the hall then caused me to cover my eyes. It was brighter than the sun. It is what I expect to see when Heaven comes, it is so bright. The crook of my elbow wasn't much relief from the blinding glare.

            “Do not hide from me,” called a voice from above, but the luster hurt my eyes and I could only peak through the crease of my elbow.

“Here I am.”

            A man, of such glory I have never known, stood before me. He smiled softly with his hands held out in front of him. Something was in his palms. It moved ever so slightly, but I couldn't see it well. As he stepped forward, almost as if he were floating, I could finally see what is in his hands. Little pieces of my heart pulsed, glowing red.

            “I don’t understand,” I whispered.

My voice was more a croak; I had little left to give, but I couldn’t take my eyes off his. Eyes so familiar, so soft, and so loving, I felt like I was at home. My knees trembled and my stomach ached, but I pushed to my feet nonetheless. I grabbed his hands in mine; they looked just like his. The same scars and the same calluses were there with the same memories. But how could it be? Oh, but I didn't care! Had he really returned? I could barely conceal the wonderment!

As I saw my heart move back together within his palms, every piece going to its proper place, I noticed the scars and little lines. They looked fragile and tender, but the pieces were now whole all the same. What did it all mean?

            I looked into his glorious face; the face that I had loved all of my life; the face I look forward to when my time comes, and I smiled. I don’t know how the muscles worked, but they did.

As he took me into his arms, my heart hurt, but it was whole. I saw a picture so clear now that it was like I was actually there. In that moment, I had been given a blessing; I had been given another chance. Through grace and an unbounding and unbroken love, my feeble arms and my weak knees found strength. A sense of serenity washed over me and I laughed as I breathed,

            “Thank you."

...I could barely see as the water washed up and over me in a flash flood warning.  Crashing into the sides of my skull, flowing through the crevices of my brain and splashing against my nerves, it filtered throughout my mind. I had yet to believe it. I couldn't believe it. Death had fallen at my feet. Love knelt helplessly before me asking for forgiveness... 
...and I gave it everything I had...

-Cat A. Strophe